here and now

Right this very minute, I find myself in a weird position.  I've just returned from the magical mecca that is the island of Bali, spent a few days at home in LA and now I'm in Philly for a quick work trip.  I usually revel in those the bittersweet days when we return from Bali, still reminiscing and dealing with the culture shock, still thinking about all the things we designed and inspiration we soaked in, the sights, sounds and smells good and bad, the exhaust from 50 motor bikes at a round about or the smell of home cooked mie goreng wafting through the air in front of the little roadside warungs.  I love it all, and this is usually the time I'm remembering it all, but that got cut short because sometimes you are floating on a cloud of ignorance for a minute and then life gently slaps you in the face to wake you up.
On top of my day dreams being cut short, my body has been all sorts of outta whack.  Sinus headaches, insane jet lag, neck pain from flying, and weirdly enough my hair hasn't been its normal consistency for a week or so, not sure what happened there.  I'm not one to have unusual physical ailments or issues that get in the way of my daily routine, but damn--when all you're trying to do is hustle and your body is like "um, no" its all sorts of frustrating. 
So finally, probably just now getting to the point, I'm in Philly.  Tired, a little bit hungry, probably dehydrated, and somewhat defeated.  Today, I was challenged, like I hadn't been challenged in a while.  It was pretty scary, just because I wasn't expecting it.  And just like that when I needed confidence and good vibes the most, they were gone.  But after a few pep talks from some wise people in my life I realize I just need to be myself and own it.  Why is something so obvious and "duh" so difficult?  As soon as I start to face a challenge I find myself retreating and trying to blend in with the wallpaper.  Having the courage to be yourself and be confident is hard, y'all.  Still working on it, and probably will always be.  A minute ago I was thinking about all the strong women in my life, my mom, my grandma, etc...and what they would say to me if they were here or understood the situation.  Knowing that those women would probably look at me half in disbelief and half scolding, like, "why are you even letting this bother you.  You are better than this," really helps.  Here's to tomorrow, courage, and all those strong women in our lives.


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